I remember a time when my wife was pregnant with our first child and we were invited to a party where all of our close friends were attending. One of our friends who didn’t know we were expecting our first child starting laughing uncontrollably at us. We didn’t know what the hell he was laughing at and confronted him. He said “Sorry but I’m laughing because finally you will go through what we all went thorough”
We were the last couple to have kids in our inner circle. We were too busy travelling, going to parties and basically sucking off the teats of luxury to be too concerned about having babies. Our friend continued with a piece of advice that I hold onto dearly and actually pass on to every new parent. In between bouts of laughter he said to us “How ever bad you think its going to be its 1000 times worse than that!”
We chuckled with him and dismissed this comment with great ease. We know looking after a child would be a huge challenge but not as bad as he is saying. Come on don’t be so ridiculous!
Needless to say we grossly underestimated his statement. Watching my first son come into the world was the greatest event of my life. It only took 24 hrs to realize the whirlwind ride that was upon us. Its amazing how little sleep and how much crying a newborn does. However this was years ago. Now I’m an old, crafty veteran in this game. Here are some things I have learned on the way.
The Newborn Stage:
This is very simple. Newborns do not sleep! When the moons align and they do sleep you absolutely have to sleep with them. This is the only time you will ever get any sleep …ever! Our newborn was the worst sleeper ever imagined. He was such a bad sleeper that we hired two sleep doulas and they both quit. There are several places I hate to admit where I have fallen asleep. He liked falling asleep to the sound of rushing water. It couldn’t be recorded rushing water, it had to be the real deal. Many times I had to turn on the bathtub, sit on the toilet seat and rock him to sleep. It seems like I also like the sound of rushing water from a bath tub when I fall asleep as well. There were several times I was found nodding off on the toilet, my head wrenched backward in a very awkward position where necks should never be positioned and the baby in my arms wriggling away wide awake.
The Toddler/Infant Stage:
Enjoy this stage while you can because this is the stage where you are a real life super hero! You can do anything at all from jumping over a puddle to bouncing a ball, snapping your fingers and your infant will look at you in awe. You are the fastest, smartest, strongest most incredible person your little child has ever seen. This is also the time that you become Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth fairy! This period will always remain one of my favourite moments as a parent. It is also a time of firsts. This is when you witness your child’ first words, steps, teeth and every other wonderful firsts that they do.
I remember the first time my second child swore. When I look back at it I can laugh but at the moment when it happened I couldn’t get out of that situation fast enough. We were at one of our favourite restaurants at the time (it was even one of his favourite places). He was a little cranky due to a lack of sleep (see Newborn stage) and no afternoon nap but hey he’s the second child he’ll be fine. It was a struggle throughout the entire dinner to say the least and he kept complaining that he wanted to leave. Finally I snapped and said: “This is one of your favourite places. Eat your dinner now!” That’s when it happened. Without any hesitation his response, yelled out at 1000 decibels so everyone including the cooks in the back could hear was “I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE”!
Everything after that was just a blur. It was a natural reaction. We gathered up our oldest son who was laughing hysterically and our little cursor faster than you could say cheque please and sprinted out of there. We did not look back, dashed to the car and squealed out of there. Needless to say we have never ventured into that restaurant again. In fact, every time we drive by it we ask if he’d like to go eat there again. He always responds that he will swear again if we ever set foot in there.
Pre-School and JK stage:
They say there are two times when you know everything there is to know about dinosaurs; the first time is when you are four years old and the second time is when you have a four year old child.
Now that my kids our getting older my knowledge is once again fading but I at least can look through the extinct relics that still populate the toy boxes in our living room. Sure you always remember the T-Rexes, Brontos, and Triceratopses but your child will let you know that first the Brontosaurus is actually an Apatosaurus and these dinosaurs were only part of the Jurassic period.
What I remember most is that the plastic replicas cost an arm an a leg! When my first born turned four years old he was a sponge when it came to knowing all of the dinosaurs. I mean all of them. He taught me many things like there is no such thing as a Pterodactyl. Pterodactyl is the name of the entire family of Pterosaurs. The one that looks like the Pterodactyl is actually called a Pteranodon.
A Spinosaurus could never fight a Tyrannosaurus Rex. They never existed during the same time period. It would have been an epic battle and these battles did occur in our house an awful lot. According to our huge dino battles at home it seems the Spinosaurus would end up the victorious dinosaur.
When he was in junior kindergarten he brought in one of those huge plant eating dinosaurs to the class. A Dad went up to him and said “Wow you have a diplodocus in your hand. That’s the biggest dinosaur ever discovered”. That was the day I discovered two new things about dinosaurs. First he pronounced it wrong. He said it was a Diplo-doke-us. My son corrected him by saying it is actually a Di-plod-di-cus. That Dad and I also learned that in fact the Argentinosaurus was the largest dinosaur that was ever discovered.
There is a magical connection with dinosaurs and a small child. It is very difficult for me to comprehend how a four year can perfectly pronounce a 16 lettered dinosaur, or remember all of these 16 lettered names of these species not to mention which era they existed in. It was incredible; Sea Dinos like Tylosaurus and Plesiosaurs, Air Dinos like Quetzalcoatlus and Rhamphorhynchus, Plant Eaters like the Iguanadon and the Edmontosaurus, and of course the meat eaters like Velociraptor (not a raptor) and a Carnatorus. The list goes on and on.
Our extensive knowledge of dinosaurs are now fading fast for both of us but don’t you worry. Mammals will definitely follow and you won’t believe how many species of bears are actually living in our existence as we speak.
The Child Stage:
This is as far as I can currently go but here is where you look at your child and say what happened to the baby that I was holding yesterday. In fact it seems like every few months when I look at them their features have yet again morphed into something new. They go from little dependent blobs to mini semi independent human beings.
The child stage is when they explore many interests like sports, the arts, LEGO building, martial arts, swimming, and electronics. This is also the time when you are not just a Dad. You are also a chauffeur. As I type this I am 40 minutes away from picking up my kids from and art camp. In fact I’m on the clock every day of the week. Early morning practices, all day tournaments, auditions, and piano lessons fill my week. In the beginning you love it. I think the reason why you love is you think that at one time or another it will end. Well it doesn’t, in fact it gets worse. It is amazing how much a child can fit in one day. It is also amazing how many miles and time you can cover. Ever since my children have entered this stage there are no longer separate days. They all just merge into a giant time continuum like a Dr. Who phone booth.
Throughout this never ending roller coaster of parenthood so far one thing has remained constant. The personal joy I feel seeing things through a child’ eyes again. Watching all of the fresh, raw emotions of both happiness, sorrow, anger and peace flash through my children. Observing their pure spirits that haven’t been tainted through adulthood. The pure innocence and joy when they accomplish a daunting, exciting challenge for the first time. The many different types of hugs I receive every day. The running, flying into my arms hug, The nutcracker hug when your child’s height is at the same level as your mid section, the consoling hug where you do not let go until they feel better and my personal favourite, the bedtime snuggle, cuddle hug until they fall asleep in your cozy embrace.
One thing is for certain during my learning experience of being a father. That all of these stages do end. Although a new stage takes over I do terribly miss the stages that have come and gone. I have no regrets however because I have lived and experienced every stage to the absolute best of my ability. If I can pass on one thing from this piece of writing it would be to enjoy every minute and every memory. Don’t let the shitty things in life consume you because you’ll miss all of the glorious memories your children will give you every day.
Father Fables Introduction 