Author: fatherfables

When I was young in the beginning of my blossoming career as a teacher I had a virtually flawless routine. When the school day was over I would stay in my classroom, play some music and get some extra work done. Anything I didn’t finish I would complete it that night at home.

My at home ritual was a routine I actually quite enjoyed. I would make dinner, clean up a little then get down to it. I would get on my lap top, blast my music, have a couple of beers and before I knew it I was finished. I’d finish my night by watching some sports and most likely fall asleep on the couch. It was perfect and I was in control.

There came a time when I lost control. I’m not sure when it was. But through foggy recollection I seem to recall it was when my first child was born. There was also a time when I realized I would never get that control back. It was when my second child was born. In fact I no longer even use the expression “I will do it tonight when I get home”. Eventually that phrase morphed into I’ll get it done tomorrow. Even then its a 50/50 chance of being completed.

Even if I do make an attempt to get some work done my kids have a sixth sense and seem to know when I try. It happens all the time. I will notice an unusual quiet all throughout the house. This means the kids are either playing with each other, watching some sort of screen or doing something they know they shouldn’t be doing. Either way I take it as an opportunity to do some work. Maybe even write this story for example. I’ll quickly grab my lap top, a glass of water and if all goes well maybe even type out a few words until they both come out of the cracks in the wall, fall from the ceiling or rise from the floor and announce that they have officially arrived. They will want a glass of milk, some Cheerios or just simply ask in a conniving way “Whatcha doing?”

My older son will lean in with his pointy chin digging into my shoulder and my younger son will sit on my lap forcing me to reach around him in an awkward position just so I can finish the one sentence I’ve typed. The stereo sounds of I’m bored and come and play with us will echo through my head. I respond with a feeble “Can’t you both play together for a few minutes I just need to finish this”. This just leads to “Come on Dad we’re getting too booooooored”. I reluctantly relent and play some hide and seek until dinner time.

After dinner there is absolutely no way you can get anything done with kids in the fold. This is bath, pajama, take your vitamins, brush your teeth and if you’re lucky watch a little Summer Camp Island before bedtime routine. To sum it up its basically two hours every night that you will never get back.

When my little cherubs finally fall asleep I try once again. I stare at the computer screen with my bloodshot, sawdust filled eyes and slowly type each letter as my fingers feel they are glued to the keyboard. My head will slowly bob in and out of consciousness. If I can just finish this one last paragraph. I rub my bald head to try and get my blood circulating to my brain. I’ll slap myself repetitively and shake my head vigorously from side to side like dogs seem to know how to do perfectly just to stay away for one more fleeting moment. When I finally finish I look at my sentence and am shocked to see nothing but nonsensical, chopped up gibberish.

It was during one of these moments when I just looked up to the ceiling and said “That’s it! I give up”. Once I came to acceptance that I truly will never again finish anything when I come home I felt a sense of freedom rather than loss. I now had reasons to do nothing at home after the kids went to bed. I have now taken up a new hobby of binge watching TV shows on Netflix or Amazon Prime. Watching a TV series from beginning to end was a new experience for me. I thought every episode was a new beginning, a fresh new start. I had no idea these TV shows actually had a story line that continued on a weekly basis. Now I’m a Netflix Veteran!

As a matter of fact I deserve to do nothing when I get home. I paid my dues early. I’m a wily crafty veteran in my field now and you can’t teach experience. As a veteran I feel it is my duty to let the younger generations “get it done when they get home”. I feel a sense of pride that I have passed on my knowledge and experience onto to these younger generations to get the job done when they get home. One day they too will no longer be able to finish at home and it will be their turn to teach the future generations to come. In the meantime I’ll watch Shameless Season 7 episode 8.

Every Christmas without fail we will receive in the mail a perfect Christmas family photo card.  In the card you will see a beautiful, happy looking family.  The children will have wonderful, angelic smiles while snuggling closely to their parents.  A Christmas background of what a perfect Christmas Day would look like surrounds them.  A background with snow, a beautifully decorated Christmas tree, maybe some fake squirrels and rabbits running around under a beautiful indigo sky.  Every time I get these cards I think to myself how the hell did they get their kids to co-operate so well?  My wife and I fall for the family Christmas portrait card every year.

We will get funky matching Christmas pajamas  and tuques and we fantasize about how great the photo shoot will go this year.  We email the photographer in advance the Christmas scenes we want  to use and we come up with an air tight game plan in order to make sure our kids don’t screw everything up this time around.  However, our fantasies aren’t even close to the realty that drop kicks us in the face every year.

This year we found these amazing, Christmas coloured onesies that fit us perfectly.  They even made our slightly curvy bodies look more svelte.  Our kids were quite excited this year and to our surprise they were actually looking forward to the photo shoot.  I quietly thought to myself “could this actually be the year that finally everything will run smoothly?”.  For that moment I felt in control and confident.  The photo shoot was tomorrow and this time things were going to be different.

When we arrived the next day it took maybe five minutes and the shit show began.  Our kids started sprinting from Christmas scene to Christmas scene like a giant untied balloon that is full of air.  When you let go the balloon takes off at a thousand miles an hour on a very unpredictable path.  My kids wreaked havoc on all of the scenes.  They would throw fake snowballs at each other, flip the poor, cute little rabbits upside down or bang into very expensive photo equipment.  The photographer got them to calm down by bribing them with marshmallows.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Marshmallows?  White gooey balls of sugar?  This is a prime example of short term gain for long term pain.

We managed to get a few quick shots in on one scene before my kids wanted to cash in on the bribe.  They had a choice of five little marshmallows or a large one but “only if your parents say yes”.  Thanks for putting us on the spot.  This will go two ways.  Say no and the tempers will flair, it will be all our fault and they will go on a smile strike or say yes and watch them hoover them down and then go even crazier than they already are.  I wanted to take her camera, smash it repeatedly and walk right out the door.  That would have been the right choice.  Instead we said sure they can have a marsh fucking mallow!

We then tried some close knit family shots with a winter wonderland scene.  Our two little Christmas angels just kept squirming and laughing and poking each other or screaming uncontrollably.  By this time the embarrassment hits us.  Why do our kids sabotage our Christmas photos every year while every other family has perfect family bliss photos?  What is it that makes our children uncontrollable little demons every year during the photo shoot?  They are perfect when they enter the shoot and perfect when they leave.  Why can’t they sit with us and cuddle and smile that perfect smile for one fucking minute.  After a few more shots of the kids looking away or making funny faces at the camera our time was up.  Another disastrous shoot has ended.  Our photographer says “Well that went well. I have enough here to work with”.  I stare at her completely perplexed.  What was she seeing that I was completely oblivious to.  All I see are two strung out marshmallow addicted, bouncing off the wall, nutbars.

We quickly but politely get ushered out of the studio so the next perfect family can conduct their flawless photo shoot.  I sit in my car now quietly pondering what the hell just happened.  My kids are now sitting nicely in the back seat talking about how much fun they had.  My wife close to tears knowing once again how great of a failure we have been.  The drive home is quite tense but our kids don’t feel it.  It takes us a long time to recover from our apocalypse but eventually we both move on and hope and pray that somehow through today’s wreckage something can be salvaged.

One week later the prints are emailed to us.  My wife and I both hold our collected breaths and cross our fingers as we click on the link.  Lo and behold there it is!  One diamond found in a large lump of coal!  My wife looking radiant.  Her long black curly hair laying perfectly down her shoulder while lovingly hugging my oldest boy.  He is staring deep into the camera with the most perfect innocent smile.   I am on the other side clutching tightly to our five year old.  His deep brown eyes memorizing the camera while he beams a beautiful, big, bright smile.  When I look at this picture everything melts away.  My marshmallow craved sugar monsters look absolutely perfect.  The backdrop looks like we are outside in a beautiful snow covered evergreen forest.  I’m absolutely captivated.  This is my beautiful family.  The three loves of my life.  We are all together caught in the beautiful glimpse of time that we can hold onto and cherish for ever.

As I start to mail out our wonderful Christmas card I think of all of the parents we are mailing these out to.  They will wonder how the hell did Mike and his family get the most perfect Christmas card?

In one of my earlier posts I wrote about the odd miracle that happens when you can get a free hallway pass due to a celebration where you just can’t say no.  In this case a relatively new phenomenon called the “Dadchelor Party” is the newest miracle for Dads.  In fact I’m sure us Dads created the Dadchelor party (who else would).

A Dadchelor party is planned for a future father whose wife/or surrogate mother is very close to her due date.  The idea is to give the future father one last hurrah before he becomes a father for the first time.  It could be a one night affair or could last a entire weekend if you’re lucky.

Dadchelor parties do not come up very often.  In fact they can be quite controversial.  Its very difficult to go up to your partner and say “Hi honey the boys want to take me out and get me all liquored up one last time before the baby comes, Can I go?”  In fact when I read that sentence I must say I must have had balls of steel to ask my wife this question.  Now I realize just how lucky I was.

Throughout my life I have been to two Dadchelor parties (not counting my own).  The most recent one was fantastic.  In order to get into the story I need to digress.  When I was young and childless; myself along with a group of my closest friends would venture to Montreal every year for a boys weekend.  We would hit the nightclubs, eat loads of late night poutine and smoked meat sandwiches and religiously attend an electronic music festival called “Piqnique Electronique”every Sunday afternoon.

Piqnique Electronique was always the apex of our weekend.  The music was always bumping, the people always friendly and many new friendships were created.  There was one Piqnique in particular that will always never be beaten.  We were well into the festival, having the time of our lives and enjoying copious amounts of alcohol and other substances when someone came up to me and said “Hi, its my birthday!”  I replied I love birthdays and proceeded to buy him a birthday beer.  My new friend along with his party crew all had great spirit and instantly fit in with my group.  We didn’t stop dancing, laughing and drinking all night but then we heard thunder in the distance followed by an enormous white flash in the night sky.

The storm came upon us with fast fury but we didn’t care.  The rain poured down on us, thunder crashing, lightning flashing but we just kept on dancing.  We were cleansed while dancing to our favourite beats.  We reached up to the skies and taunted the rain to come down harder, faster and it obliged.  The DJS kept playing for as long as they could until the promoters of Piqnique told them to shut it down.  We wouldn’t leave and chanted and clapped “Encore!” clap, clap clap; Encore clap, clap, clap”  We also sang in glorious harmony “Ole, Ole, Ole,Ole……..Ole,Ole.  The chanting and singing continued while the downpour kept coming.  A miracle then happened; maybe it was our singing to the festival Gods; or we just got lucky but the rains started to dissipate and the storm was moving on. We were soaking wet and probably stunk like wet shaggy dogs but we were all united in one mission.  Keep the party going.

At long last the DJ stepped into the DJ booth, turned on his microphone and proclaimed to the masses “You are all fucking crazy”.  He then proceeded to play “Groove is in the Heart” by Delight.  Needless to say the song took us all by surprise but we loved it.  The festival continued for a while longer and officially ended an hour later than it should have but our night was not over.

Our new friend Jean Phillipe took us on a wild tour of the city that I could never duplicate or even figure out where to start.  We danced in a castle, ate the best poutine I have ever had and (probably ever will have), and ended our early morning at a gay nightclub in the gay district.  The club had an amazing DJ that took us on a musical adventure to another dimension.  By the time we stumbled out the club the sun blasted us with glorious heat and light.  It was then I realized that I had a flight to catch back home in two hours.  Luckily I made the flight and more importantly my friendship and adventures with Jean Phillipe continued.

We have grown up and matured slightly since our first encounter and when he exclaimed that he and his partner were going to be parents for the first time I  was ecstatic for both of them.  While my wife and I were at the baby shower someone asked if he had one more thing he could do before the baby came what would it be?  He answered that he would love to do one more Piqnique.  My brain sizzled.  This is a perfect opportunity to have a Dadchelor party for Jean-Phillipe.

After explaining the idea he loved it.  His partner also agreed that this was a great idea.  Jean Phillipe was going to be attending a wedding in Montreal on the weekend we agreed upon so it was perfect.  Three weeks later our plan came to fruition.  The Piqnique Electronique festival was much larger than when we went but the vibe was the exact same.  Everyone was very friendly and the music was perfect.  We danced, pranced and drank to no end.

There were times where I could sense the panic in Jean-Phillipe but I was able to let him know what a wonderful gift it is to be a father.  The joys he will experience when holding his little one for the first time.  The undying dedication and love you will feel with this wonderful gift he will receive.  I told him how your life dramatically changes and nothing else will matter except your children.  Oh yes my friend there will be challenge after challenge but he will teach his child to learn from his mistakes.  I told him he is going to be a fantastic Dad and gave him a big hug.  We then continued to dance and drink long into the night.

Our night ended sitting on a bench by the St. Lawrence river overlooking  the bright, welcoming cityscape of Montreal.  We were reminiscing about our adventures and laughing uncontrollably.  It was such a deep gut wrenching laugh that came deep from within and it felt fantastic to laugh like that again.  It made me ponder to myself.  Is this the laugh that children experience almost daily?  When did I lose this wonderful feeling or has my childhood laughter always been buried within me.

My deep thoughts were suddenly interrupted when Jean Phillipe broke into song.  He started to sing “Life is But a Dream”.  His voice was beautiful and it was a perfect reflection of how life is when you have children.   We all started singing together and it made us all feel alive.  Four parents and one future parent singing together in harmony.  It was a Dadchelor Party I will never forget.  When ever I feel a little down in the dumps I will replay my recording of that night on the docks with all of us singing and remember just how great life can be.

Jean Phillipe had a beautiful, healthy baby girl and just like I predicted he is a fantastic, loving father.  In fact he is doing so well that there is already talk of baby number two.  Who knows what adventures he will have between now and then.  I just hope I will be a part of them.

As I purchase a $200 LEGO movie 2 LEGO set for my five year old it dawned on me.  I’m not getting any credit for the big purchases on Christmas.  Its some imaginary, big, white bearded fellow, wearing a red jump suit.  He breaks into our house and gives presents to little girls and boys.  Nothing for the parents and we bought the fricken presents to begin with!

So far Santa has taken credit for Toronto Maple Leaf tickets, countless Lego sets, mountains of toys and electronics and this year a $200 dollar LEGO Movie 2 set and most likely an electronic gaming system for my older child.  What do I get credit for?  Clothes, books, maybe a cool board game.  He even gets credit for the damn stocking!

At least on Christmas I can get credit for some gifts.  The Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy get credit for everything!  If these characters want credit for all of the good stuff they should pay my damn Visa bill afterwards.  Not to mention the pain and suffering of trying to find the exact toy they want.  For example, this $200 LEGO Movie 2 LEGO set took a lot of work.  I had to call store after store until I finally found one that was located a fairly long distance away.  It was the only one left.  It took me an hour and a half to get it home.  My kids think Santa works so hard building all of these toys with his thousands of elves.  It was me!  Me, me, me!

I’m the one hiding the chocolate eggs and slipping five dollar bills under your pillow while you sleep.  I’m the one filling the stockings and eating the cookies and carrots with milk (not a great combination I might add).  I do all the wrapping and travelling and fight other parents (Santas) in the malls.  I’m the one who waits for hours to find a parking spot.  I’m the one trying to fill out my online orders over and over again only to find out that it only delivers to the U.S.A.

If you didn’t make my kids so happy I would find a way to break you.  They wake up with that intense sparkle in their eyes.  The unbearable excitement when they rip open your present to reveal the exact gift they asked for. The magical dances and laughing and pure  happiness that quickly follows.  Its the same feeling they get when they find your chocolate eggs or reach under their pillows to find a brand new crisp five dollar bill.

If you didn’t give so many great memories reliving my childhood through my children’s eyes I would expose you for the fakes you really are.  If you didn’t create such great spirit, kindness and warmth I would scream to whoever would listen that I’m really all of you.  If you didn’t make me so damn happy every year from my childhood right through parenthood I wouldn’t believe in you.  There I said it.  I believe in you.  I will always believe in you.  Thank you for our special days of playing together with all of your toys or a family gobbling of all your chocolate.  Thank you all for making my kids so exuberant and loving on your special days.   I will always believe in you.  Sooner or later I will get the credit I deserve but until then keep doing what you’re doing.  As for the big guy in the red suit, if you have the time I would love a new beer fridge for Christmas.  I think I have been a good boy this year too.

I remember a time when my wife was pregnant with our first child and we were invited to a party where all of our close friends were attending.  One of our friends who didn’t know we were expecting our first child starting laughing uncontrollably at us.  We didn’t know what the hell he was laughing at and confronted him.  He said “Sorry but I’m laughing because finally you will go through what we all went thorough”

We were the last couple to have kids in our inner circle.  We were too busy travelling, going to parties and basically sucking off the teats of luxury to be too concerned about having babies.  Our friend continued with a piece of advice that I hold onto dearly and actually pass on to every new parent.  In between bouts of laughter he said to us “How ever bad you think its going to be its 1000 times worse than that!”

We chuckled with him and dismissed this comment with great ease.  We know looking after a child would be a huge challenge but not as bad as he is saying.  Come on don’t be so ridiculous!

Needless to say we grossly underestimated his statement.  Watching my first son come into the world was the greatest event of my life.  It only took 24 hrs to realize the whirlwind ride that was upon us.  Its amazing how little sleep and how much crying a newborn does.  However this was years ago.  Now I’m an old, crafty veteran in this game.  Here are some things I have learned on the way.

 

The Newborn Stage:

This is very simple.  Newborns do not sleep!  When the moons align and they do sleep you absolutely have to sleep with them.  This is the only time you will ever get any sleep …ever!  Our newborn was the worst sleeper ever imagined.  He was such a bad sleeper that we hired two sleep doulas and they both quit.  There are several places I hate to admit where I have fallen asleep.  He liked falling asleep to the sound of rushing water.  It couldn’t be recorded rushing water, it had to be the real deal.  Many times I had to turn on the bathtub, sit on the toilet seat and rock him to sleep.  It seems like I also like the sound of rushing water from a bath tub when I fall asleep as well.  There were several times I was found nodding off on the toilet, my head wrenched backward in a very awkward position where necks should never be positioned and the baby in my arms wriggling away wide awake.

The Toddler/Infant Stage: 

Enjoy this stage while you can because this is the stage where you are a real life super hero!  You can do anything at all from jumping over a puddle to bouncing a ball, snapping your fingers and your infant will look at you in awe.  You are the fastest, smartest, strongest most incredible person your little child has ever seen.  This is also the time that you become Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth fairy!   This period will always remain one of my favourite moments as a parent.  It is also a time of firsts.  This is when you witness your child’ first words, steps, teeth and every other wonderful firsts that they do.

I remember the first time my second child swore.  When I look back at it I can laugh but at the moment when it happened I couldn’t get out of that situation fast enough.  We were at one of our favourite restaurants at the time (it was even one of his favourite places).  He was a little cranky due to a lack of sleep (see Newborn stage) and no afternoon nap but hey he’s the second child he’ll be fine.  It was a struggle throughout the entire dinner to say the least and he kept complaining that he wanted to leave.  Finally I snapped and said: “This is one of your favourite places.  Eat your dinner now!”  That’s when it happened.  Without any hesitation his response, yelled out at 1000 decibels so everyone including the cooks in the back could hear was “I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE”!

Everything after that was just a blur.  It was a natural reaction.  We gathered up our oldest son who was laughing hysterically and our little cursor faster than you could say cheque please and sprinted out of there.  We did not look back, dashed to the car and squealed out of there.  Needless to say we have never ventured into that restaurant again.  In fact, every time we drive by it we ask if he’d like to go eat there again.  He always responds that he will swear again if we ever set foot in there.

Pre-School and JK stage:

They say there are two times when you know everything there is to know about dinosaurs; the first time is when you are four years old and the second time is when you have a four year old child.

Now that my kids our getting older my knowledge is once again fading but I at least can look through the extinct relics that still populate the toy boxes in our living room.  Sure you always remember the T-Rexes, Brontos, and Triceratopses but your child will let you know that first the Brontosaurus is actually an Apatosaurus and these dinosaurs were only part of the Jurassic period.

What I remember most is that the plastic replicas cost an arm an a leg!  When my first born turned four years old he was a sponge when it came to knowing all of the dinosaurs.  I mean all of them.  He taught me many things like there is no such thing as a Pterodactyl.  Pterodactyl is the name of the entire family of Pterosaurs.  The one that looks like the Pterodactyl is actually called a Pteranodon.

A Spinosaurus could never fight a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  They never existed during the same time period.  It would have been an epic battle and these battles did occur in our house an awful lot.  According to our huge dino battles at home it seems the Spinosaurus would end up the victorious dinosaur.

When he was in junior kindergarten he brought in one of those huge plant eating dinosaurs to the class.  A Dad went up to him and said “Wow you have a diplodocus in your hand.  That’s the biggest dinosaur ever discovered”.  That was the day I discovered two new things about dinosaurs.  First he pronounced it wrong.  He said it was a Diplo-doke-us.  My son corrected him by saying it is actually a Di-plod-di-cus.  That Dad and I also learned that in fact the Argentinosaurus was the largest dinosaur that was ever discovered.

There is a magical connection with dinosaurs and a small child.  It is very difficult for me to comprehend how a four year can perfectly pronounce a 16 lettered dinosaur, or remember all of these 16 lettered names of these species not to mention which era they existed in.  It was incredible; Sea Dinos like Tylosaurus and Plesiosaurs, Air Dinos like Quetzalcoatlus and Rhamphorhynchus, Plant Eaters like the Iguanadon and the Edmontosaurus, and of course the meat eaters like Velociraptor (not a raptor) and a Carnatorus.  The list goes on and on.

Our extensive knowledge of dinosaurs are now fading fast for both of us but don’t you worry.  Mammals will definitely follow and you won’t believe how many species of bears are actually living in our existence as we speak.

 

The Child Stage:

This is as far as I can currently go but here is where you look at your child and say what happened to the baby that I was holding yesterday.  In fact it seems like every few months when I look at them their features have yet again morphed into something new.  They go from little dependent blobs to mini semi independent human beings.

The child stage is when they explore many interests like sports, the arts, LEGO building, martial arts, swimming, and electronics.  This is also the time when you are not just a Dad.  You are also a chauffeur.  As I type this I am 40 minutes away from picking up my kids from and art camp.  In fact I’m on the clock every day of the week.  Early morning practices, all day tournaments, auditions, and piano lessons fill my week.  In the beginning you love it.  I think the reason why you love is you think that at one time or another it will end.  Well it doesn’t, in fact it gets worse.  It is amazing how much a child can fit in one day.  It is also amazing how many miles and time you can cover.  Ever since my children have entered this stage there are no longer separate days.  They all just merge into a giant time continuum like a Dr. Who phone booth.

Throughout this never ending roller coaster of parenthood so far one thing has remained constant.  The personal joy I feel seeing things through a child’ eyes again.  Watching all of the fresh, raw emotions of both happiness, sorrow, anger and peace flash through my children.  Observing their pure spirits that haven’t been tainted through adulthood.  The pure innocence and joy when they accomplish a daunting, exciting challenge for the first time.  The many different types of hugs I receive every day.  The running, flying into my arms hug, The nutcracker hug when your child’s height is at the same level as your mid section, the consoling hug where you do not let go until they feel better and my personal favourite, the bedtime snuggle, cuddle hug until they fall asleep in your cozy embrace.

One thing is for certain during my learning experience of being a father.  That all of these stages do end.  Although a new stage takes over I do terribly miss the stages that have come and gone.  I have no regrets however because I have lived and experienced every stage to the absolute best of my ability.  If I can pass on one thing from this piece of writing it would be to enjoy every minute and every memory.  Don’t let the shitty things in life consume you because you’ll miss all of the glorious memories your children will give you every day.

 

“When pigs fly”.  That’s an expression that I get more often now that I have two little gentlemen to look after.  Now I must add a disclaimer that back in the day when having kids was just an idea my wife was very gracious in giving me my boys’ nights and even boys’ weekends out.  That was then and this is now.

Now I need to sit by the window and wish that one day a pig will fly by.  That being said there are these glorious instances in time when the Gods and Goddesses of Fertility and Childhood will shine upon me and grant “the unexpected fantasy turned reality”. I firmly believe that I’m not alone in this phenomenon and other fathers can relate to this unbelievable realty that falls upon me.

It can be a small little thing like your wife just feeling sorry for you and your pathetic life. When its this bad she is more than happy to kick you out of the house to have a beer with a buddy and complain about life. You think she is doing you a favour but she just doesn’t want to see your tired, sad and broken face anymore. Either way to take it and run.

Other times you get “the freaky incident”. In my case the condo we live in was doing some hallway renovations. The chemicals they were using were quite toxic and it was not recommended that children should stay in the unit for the night. My wife decided to stay with the kids at my in laws. There was no room for me which meant a free night all to myself. Yes I had to breathe in some bad chemicals but I got to watch a two hour action movie uninterrupted. As far as I’m concerned that is a victory!

The very odd time you get that “pig flying” moment. It is very rare but when it comes you take it and enjoy every second of it. Don’t feel guilty because you have earned this magical time and believe me it ends in the blink of an eye.  It could be a best friends’ weekend stag or maybe your wife has to go away for a week long seminar and decides to take the kids and in laws with her.  It is a pinch yourself moment where you really can’t believe it is happening.

My moment came when my longest friend decided to get married in an all inclusive resort in Costa Rica.  My wife and I were very excited to go with the kids for 5 days of fun in the sun. Out of no where my wife decided that it would be too costly and she didn’t want to leave the kids alone with the in laws for five days if we went together so maybe I should go alone and spend some quality time with my longest running group of friends.

Who am I to disappoint anyone.  Of course I could make the “sacrifice” to go to Costa Rica and be the lone family representative for the wedding. Needless to say I did not disappoint. I ate and drank everything that was offered to me, I hung out by the pool and plunged into the beautiful ocean, I got my first pedicure (which is more painful than I thought it would be) and had a nice deep tissue massage, I slept like a boss and even Mc’d the wedding.

Did I miss everyone?  Everyday I did. By the end I wanted to come home.  I missed all of our great times together. I would get over it by my third beer in the hot tub though.

Sometimes you need these me moments and this one was mine all mine.  I came back from that trip re-energized and invigorated. I jumped into family life like a kid in a ball pit. I missed them and loved them. The absolute best moment of that trip was coming home, walking through my door and have two kids drop everything and run to me as fast as they could, to give me the biggest hugs and kisses ever screaming “what did you get me? what did you get me?”  I was thrown right back into family action and couldn’t be happier.

The time will come again where I must venture out alone.  I will be ready to take on the mission.

 

You sleep with a smile.  It was a good day, no a perfect day.  You are so calm and peaceful.  I stare deeply into you.  You have grown so much.  I softly rub your cheek.  Every day with you is the greatest moment of my life.

I reminisce about today.  Any other observer would just see a normal day but not us. It is an adventure.  We are super heroes, great explorers, detectives, wrestlers, sports stars, musicians and scientists. More importantly we are an unbreakable force.  You are my son, my everything.

You make a quick fidget in your sleep.  I wonder what you are dreaming.  Are you dreaming about the pretty goal you scored in soccer today? About me chasing you all around the playground, eating ice cream or maybe about us play wrestling? I hope we are just as close in your dreams as we are in your reality.

You are still smiling in your sleep.  You are safe. I will always look after and protect you. You will make mistakes.  I guarantee it; but I will make sure you learn from them and become stronger.  I will be your rock when you need someone to hold onto, your shoulder to cry on, and we will share the joys of many accomplishments together.

You still smile in your sleep.  I smile with you. Goodnight my sweet prince!

During the infancy stage There is one very important lesson I have learned and can pass on to all of my fellow fathers.  In the beginning stages of life you are useless.  You can’t do shit about it.  Yes you can take the late night shift and hold the baby for a bit.  Maybe you can do a little bottle feeding if need be.  You can also change some diapers, help out with the odd bath but other than that you are quite useless.  Until you figure it out.

I was lucky enough to have kids much later than many of my friends and relatives.  This saved me lots of growing pains.  My friends and relatives already suffered before me so I had all of their advice in abundance.  I didn’t have to reinvent the wheel.  What I learned in that beginning year was priceless but there was one piece of advice that was extra memorable.

It was probably around my third week of being a father.  I was getting very frustrated.  We had a child that was not a very good sleeper.  I wanted to be the hero Dad and do everything with my child to make everything better.  It wasn’t working.  Things were getting very disastrous.  The baby seemed to be bionic and not require any sleep.  I was arguing with my wife very frequently and we were both exhausted.

I was out having a a beer or two with some friends who were also fairly new Dads when I unleashed my fury upon them.  I couldn’t take it anymore. I was trying to be everything and all I got in return was a crying non sleeping baby and a wife that was constantly angry with me.  One of my friends responded “Its probably because you are trying to focus on the baby and not on your wife.  Happy wife, happy life.”

It was a eureka moment for me,  As a Dad to a newborn there is really not much you can really do.  You can’t be the hero, in fact your baby does not really need you.  However your wife does really need you.  From that day onward I focused on her.  I realized there were many things I could do to keep her (and me) happy.  I would take our son out for walks so she could get some sleep.  If he was having a very long night I would put him in the car and drive around so he’d fall asleep and more importantly my wife could sleep too.  There are many other things you could do but the main goal is to somehow someway make sure your wife can have some time for herself (mainly to get some sleep).

I remember very clearly one day when I was about to go to work after a very tough night.  Our boy was not sleeping at all.  He would go down for about thirty minutes and then wake up and cry for 45 minutes.  This happened all night.  As I was leaving I noticed that my wife was propped up on the bed with the baby in her arms as her head was bobbing in and out of sleep.  Something had to be done but as a teacher it is very hard to call in sick last minute.

I quickly remembered another fast and true rule about newborns.  You can use them as an excuse to get out of absolutely every situation.  I quickly called into our school office and frantically explained that the baby was extremely sick and throwing up everywhere.  I further explained that I needed to take him into the hospital right away and unfortunately could not come into work.

The office staff consoled me and explained that they could cover for me and everything would be all right.  Just make sure you take care of your ailing son.  A perfect spontaneous plan.  I was able to rescue my wife from a day that she was completely dreading.  I took our baby boy out all day and hung out with him while she got the rest and sleep that she needed and deserved.  It was a double victory day!  I got to hang out with my little boy and have some quality time with him while my wife was loving me for being the hero.

I learned a lot during that first year of being a Dad but the main thing that I learned and now pass onto you is take care of your significant other under all circumstances.  That is your first year (or two year) mission.  Babies don’t need you.  Your wife does.

I remember this moment very vividly.  I know this sounds so cliche but it feels like it was so recent but in realty it also feels like it was an eternity ago.

It was around 11am in Las Vegas and I was slouching by the fountain at Caesar’s.  To a passer by I’m sure I looked like a semi depressed and broken man but it was quite the opposite.  I had just finished approximately 22 hours of straight non stop partying.  Even though I probably looked and smelled like a feral beast I was absolutely saturated with pure satisfaction of a job well done.

This was night one of my stag weekend.  I drank poolside at the most decorated pool parties listening to world renowned DJ’s and I used many complimentary drink tickets while betting on the horses and actually winning.  The night then took over and consumed my entire being.  We hit the clubs with reckless abandon.  We drank, danced flirted and ate like Kings.

By 4am Sunday morning it was off to Drais and more drinks and frolicking like careless pixies on a hall pass.  I was on top of the world.  We were the conquistadors of the night and we conquered everything the Party Gods threw our way.  When I staggered out of Drais the suns’s rays were pelting me from every angle.  I felt like Dracula left abandoned in the Sahara at midday.  Try as I might the day light was not for me and I slowly trudged toward Caesar’s

Now here we are slouching at the fountain basking in the glorious memories of the previous chaos that was.  Little did I know that it was all a facade.  A glorious mirage that I would never be able to reach again.

It is once again 4am but 18 months later.  I am holding my crying infant son looking out at the desolate downtown Toronto streets.  They are still littered with the odd late night partiers bumbling into cabs going home.  I look at them with jealous fury and envy as my son increases his high pitched wailing by a few hundred decibels.  I sway him gently from side to side looking up to the skies for any sign of hope.

I think to myself What the fuck have I done!  Its not supposed to be like this.  The TV commercials never show this.  Babies are supposed to be happy all the time.  They are supposed to sleep like koalas and sloths.  If I ever find the person who created the quote “Sleep like a baby I will pummel them into oblivion.  ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY”!

Soft snoring snaps me out of my angered trance.  As I look down down at my little sleeping angel I think wait a second, this isn’t so bad.  I can do this.  I’m going to be a great Dad.

I slowly and quietly creep back into the bedroom and very carefully lower him into his very expensive crib that he never sleeps in.  The sun has slowly risen to announce a new day and one lonely beam caresses his beautiful, innocent face.  For a split second I think man life is great until two open eyes stare at me.  The innocent face slowly starts to cringe……………………………………Ah Fuck!