The Christmas Family Photo Shoot

Every Christmas without fail we will receive in the mail a perfect Christmas family photo card.  In the card you will see a beautiful, happy looking family.  The children will have wonderful, angelic smiles while snuggling closely to their parents.  A Christmas background of what a perfect Christmas Day would look like surrounds them.  A background with snow, a beautifully decorated Christmas tree, maybe some fake squirrels and rabbits running around under a beautiful indigo sky.  Every time I get these cards I think to myself how the hell did they get their kids to co-operate so well?  My wife and I fall for the family Christmas portrait card every year.

We will get funky matching Christmas pajamas  and tuques and we fantasize about how great the photo shoot will go this year.  We email the photographer in advance the Christmas scenes we want  to use and we come up with an air tight game plan in order to make sure our kids don’t screw everything up this time around.  However, our fantasies aren’t even close to the realty that drop kicks us in the face every year.

This year we found these amazing, Christmas coloured onesies that fit us perfectly.  They even made our slightly curvy bodies look more svelte.  Our kids were quite excited this year and to our surprise they were actually looking forward to the photo shoot.  I quietly thought to myself “could this actually be the year that finally everything will run smoothly?”.  For that moment I felt in control and confident.  The photo shoot was tomorrow and this time things were going to be different.

When we arrived the next day it took maybe five minutes and the shit show began.  Our kids started sprinting from Christmas scene to Christmas scene like a giant untied balloon that is full of air.  When you let go the balloon takes off at a thousand miles an hour on a very unpredictable path.  My kids wreaked havoc on all of the scenes.  They would throw fake snowballs at each other, flip the poor, cute little rabbits upside down or bang into very expensive photo equipment.  The photographer got them to calm down by bribing them with marshmallows.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Marshmallows?  White gooey balls of sugar?  This is a prime example of short term gain for long term pain.

We managed to get a few quick shots in on one scene before my kids wanted to cash in on the bribe.  They had a choice of five little marshmallows or a large one but “only if your parents say yes”.  Thanks for putting us on the spot.  This will go two ways.  Say no and the tempers will flair, it will be all our fault and they will go on a smile strike or say yes and watch them hoover them down and then go even crazier than they already are.  I wanted to take her camera, smash it repeatedly and walk right out the door.  That would have been the right choice.  Instead we said sure they can have a marsh fucking mallow!

We then tried some close knit family shots with a winter wonderland scene.  Our two little Christmas angels just kept squirming and laughing and poking each other or screaming uncontrollably.  By this time the embarrassment hits us.  Why do our kids sabotage our Christmas photos every year while every other family has perfect family bliss photos?  What is it that makes our children uncontrollable little demons every year during the photo shoot?  They are perfect when they enter the shoot and perfect when they leave.  Why can’t they sit with us and cuddle and smile that perfect smile for one fucking minute.  After a few more shots of the kids looking away or making funny faces at the camera our time was up.  Another disastrous shoot has ended.  Our photographer says “Well that went well. I have enough here to work with”.  I stare at her completely perplexed.  What was she seeing that I was completely oblivious to.  All I see are two strung out marshmallow addicted, bouncing off the wall, nutbars.

We quickly but politely get ushered out of the studio so the next perfect family can conduct their flawless photo shoot.  I sit in my car now quietly pondering what the hell just happened.  My kids are now sitting nicely in the back seat talking about how much fun they had.  My wife close to tears knowing once again how great of a failure we have been.  The drive home is quite tense but our kids don’t feel it.  It takes us a long time to recover from our apocalypse but eventually we both move on and hope and pray that somehow through today’s wreckage something can be salvaged.

One week later the prints are emailed to us.  My wife and I both hold our collected breaths and cross our fingers as we click on the link.  Lo and behold there it is!  One diamond found in a large lump of coal!  My wife looking radiant.  Her long black curly hair laying perfectly down her shoulder while lovingly hugging my oldest boy.  He is staring deep into the camera with the most perfect innocent smile.   I am on the other side clutching tightly to our five year old.  His deep brown eyes memorizing the camera while he beams a beautiful, big, bright smile.  When I look at this picture everything melts away.  My marshmallow craved sugar monsters look absolutely perfect.  The backdrop looks like we are outside in a beautiful snow covered evergreen forest.  I’m absolutely captivated.  This is my beautiful family.  The three loves of my life.  We are all together caught in the beautiful glimpse of time that we can hold onto and cherish for ever.

As I start to mail out our wonderful Christmas card I think of all of the parents we are mailing these out to.  They will wonder how the hell did Mike and his family get the most perfect Christmas card?